Monday, October 17, 2016

New Phase

Life leads you to unexpected turns, and sometimes, it is the options that you make in life that are unexpected. Sometimes our view of life affects our view of the roads that we have access to. It is as if life has different dimensions, different realities... it all depends on how you view it.

Early this year I began seeing things rather differently, and, in a flash, life changed. I left my job, I left my home, I left my family. I saw and felt quite vividly how there isn't "I". This experience can only be understood by people who have tasted it. To put in meagerly - all that you think you have done and the output that comes is not from you. If you think you're earning well because of what YOU can do... if you think you can support your family well because of all the hours YOU spend at work...  you need to change that perspectively urgently. Sometimes there are things that do not evolve however much you work hard to get them to change or improve. Arrogance is when you think you have all the control, and foolishness is the frustration over what you cannot control.

As of now, I am in a state where I am aware that there is no guarantee in anything. There is no permanence. Everything is shifting. I am aware that I truly own nothing. The only experience that is grounds me is that I am aware of the One who gives and I am aware that sustenance is only through Him.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Heart's Restlessness

Heart's restlessness -
like waves

Never calm,
heart's ocean glitters,
sparkling like stardust
on water.

bottomless -
the heart seeks,
where is the shore?

Heart's restlessness -
therein lies an ocean,
a landscape
a storm.

fluctuating -
the heart yearns,
where is the shore?

Wednesday, June 08, 2016


What is marriage?

Marriage is what you intend it to be. When two individuals have that same intention in marriage, they usually find each other. Status for status, wealth for wealth, faith for faith... perhaps it really is a union of two different individuals with the same intention. Marriage really is what you intend it for.

Marriage is a discovery - you will only know the other inside out when you live together under the same roof, sharing responsibilities and carrying out roles. How long you have known each other really does not matter. For one, people change over the years. Two, you'll only get to see who the other truly is when you have to face trials and tribulations. 

Marriage is beyond the material - I quote Shaykh Hamza Yusuf: "The marriage contract is the agreement to be on the path of spiritual evolution together." It is really about striving to become a better person. You cannot bend and shape your spouse in any way you like (you have married a human being, not play dough). That effort you put in bending and shaping the other should be that effort you put on yourself. It is more like  jihad an-nafs... a spiritual struggle. Don't be hasty, don't be angry, don't be suspicious... be at your best, keeping your adab towards your other half, communicate, communicate, communicate! This is why marriage is half the deen. It's that inner struggle that will elevate you should you put in effort.

What can one really provide in marriage? One can say - I can provide money, shelter, food - all these transient things that come and go... how can you say that you can "provide" for someone? God alone is the Provider - what you give is not yours. Rather it is what has been given to you to give to others. We are all at the receiving end, over and over. So what is it that one can truly provide in marriage?

God alone is the Provider - He gives, we receive. We give what we receive, and we receive twofold. Sometimes we give what we receive, the other does not reciprocate... but it all depends on how you see it. It does get reciprocated whether you see it or not. God alone is the Provider, and He alone grants us success... so what is it that one can truly, truly provide in marriage?

Perhaps what one can truly provide is that agreement to evolve the self together with the other. Perhaps it is as simple as that intention, that agreement between two people. Then everything else ahead is that journey - that sparkle, frustration, bliss, excitement, tears... everything else that God chooses to bless the couple with... tests, bounties - how willing are you to evolve together with the other?

Saturday, May 14, 2016

I'm at this peak where I have no one except Him. No trustee, no friend, no listener save Him. And He is the Best of Planners.

Monday, May 02, 2016


They say the Isthikharah prayer will make you inclined towards one decision or the other. I am very much inclined to go ahead with my decision, but it seems that all these other obstacles come by... things that will be affected if I were to take up the decision. But my whole being just wants to go forward and take the step - let everything else fall into place. All I want to do now is try to overcome these hurdles and when I run out of options, I would say then that this is not for me.

Friday, April 29, 2016

I'm currently at a point where there is no comfort save in God. No comfort, no listening ear, no friend, no guide, no help, no road, save God. Allah, your Mercy and Bounty are vast and limitless... I seek You. You are the Reliever of distress, and I seek Your help. I am so weak and needy... there is no path but Yours.

Wednesday, March 09, 2016

The kids had the opportunity to watch a solar eclipse this morning. Apparently their mothers told them that "the moon will cover the sun" and they had no idea what their mothers were talking about, until they saw it happening.

Today, the kids surprised me, yet again. I accidentally cut my finger and winced at the pain. Suddenly a boy came and asked where I got hurt and blew on the cut. Then another boy came and did the same. One of the girls immediately took a piece of tissue, passed it to me and asked, "Are you okay?" My boys have grown more loving and they've been generous with hugs and "I love you's" (the clinging and sniffing have gotten more frequent!). Today made me feel grateful. Today I felt like telling the world what children can offer. I'm one proud teacher.

Monday, March 07, 2016

I've thought about it. Hard. I have decided... get a blooming good pair of binoculars. For obvious reasons.
The term is ending soon. Reflecting back, I have learnt to never assume that people have a really basic knowledge and understanding of things, theories. Through my lens, it may seem like common sense. But I'm really surprised how individuals really have not a single iota of how things work. This is just why we need mentors.

One of my favourite musicians made my day. Why do I love Maati Baani? They're always creating fresh sounds. Love their collaborations with artists around the globe. Just brilliant.

Moko Kahaan - Maati Baani

Monday, February 08, 2016

Went for a hike yesterday morning. It was rainy - humid at some point, and breezy. The birds never truly rested in trees. Those little winged creatures constantly chattered and flew from one spot to another. They were far from sight, however, I came across a lone bird with a large wing span circling about... it was very exciting to see one. The rain, breeze, and the scent of the earth rejuvenated my mind.

The night uncovered the tide of my heart. I still struggle with what my mind is uncertain about. I still sit with this uncertainty, and I still wait. But this heart just yearns, and I have to keep asking, and asking, asking. There are times when I do not know what to ask for, and then all I ask for is clarity and guidance. There are times when I do not know why I am still waiting and asking, but I still do because certainty is through the One who knows.

Thursday, January 14, 2016

The days are long. Second week into the term, two classes... it's strange how I find bliss in this exhaustion. It's strange how you can feel alive in something that takes up your whole being. I'm exhausted, and contented.

"If you give, you begin to live... but you might die trying." 

 You Might Die Trying - Dave Matthews Band